1 00:00:02,339 --> 00:00:03,940 Okay, number 48. 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:05,700 Britney Spears. 3 00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:10,540 Former Mouse De Pere. Oh, forget it. Good idea. Forget it. 4 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:12,440 All right, number 49. 5 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,080 Don't call Steve Austin. 6 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,240 A professional wrestler. 7 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:18,680 Okay, enough. 8 00:00:18,780 --> 00:00:21,740 Enough. I can't keep doing this to myself. Exactly. 9 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:24,340 So, anyway. One more shot. Number 50. 10 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:26,460 Old Dirty Bastard. 11 00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:27,700 My lawyer? 12 00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:29,620 The rapper. 13 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,840 And that's it? Yes, that's it. 14 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,120 Oh, my God. 15 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,600 All right, kids, that's it. One more list I'm not on. 16 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,380 Did you know I wasn't hot? 17 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,180 I didn't know I wasn't hot. 18 00:00:41,380 --> 00:00:43,000 I'm walking around town thinking I'm hot. 19 00:00:43,340 --> 00:00:47,200 I mean, I mean, I sell my tickets, I make my concerts, I do my films. Who do 20 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:48,840 have to fax in this town to get on a list? 21 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,380 Sweetheart, you're taking this stuff much too hard. Exactly. I mean, these 22 00:00:52,380 --> 00:00:55,540 are just full of Hollywood riffraff. Well, who's more riffraff than me? 23 00:00:56,180 --> 00:00:59,860 You know what the problem is? 24 00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:01,490 There's too many celebrities nowadays. 25 00:01:01,870 --> 00:01:05,230 You know, in the old days, there were three celebrities. There was me, Liza, 26 00:01:05,230 --> 00:01:06,230 the fat kid from that show. 27 00:01:07,190 --> 00:01:08,128 What show? 28 00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:10,230 I don't know, but he was very big for a while. 29 00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:14,210 All of a sudden, celebrities, wall to wall, they're popping up like mushrooms. 30 00:01:14,510 --> 00:01:18,050 The Judds have three spots on that list. There ought to be a limit, one to a 31 00:01:18,050 --> 00:01:19,050 household. 32 00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:21,950 What? 33 00:01:23,510 --> 00:01:26,610 What? I was just thinking about that fat kid show. 34 00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:31,600 Not locked up in the butter truck. 35 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,240 Oh, whatever happened to him? 36 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,900 Exactly. And I'm next. 37 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:39,520 You know whose fault this is? 38 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,640 That damn publicist of mine. 39 00:01:41,860 --> 00:01:45,440 I mean, what am I paying him for? Anyway, all he does, he books me on a 40 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,840 of talk shows, he sits in the green room, and he eats all the cheese. 41 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,380 Very charming. Yeah, he is. 42 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,360 What, are you dating him or something? Yes. 43 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,580 No wonder he doesn't have any time for me. 44 00:01:57,070 --> 00:02:00,130 Look, the next time the three of you are taking a drive up the coast, tell him 45 00:02:00,130 --> 00:02:02,530 he's fired. Well, you can tell him. You tell him. You can tell him. 46 00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:08,150 I need to get somebody new, somebody fresh, someone who can get me on a list. 47 00:02:08,310 --> 00:02:09,008 Like who? 48 00:02:09,009 --> 00:02:11,270 Well, I don't know, but it's either that or take a professional wrestler. 49 00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:12,589 Come on, Oscar. 50 00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:14,070 Let's see if I can body slam you. 51 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:30,700 Forever it's nobody else but nobody else but. 52 00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:34,720 Each time I feel I'm out to bask her. 53 00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:38,160 Who always makes me feel brand new. 54 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:44,340 I'm letting my allegiance, baby, to nobody else but you. 55 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,840 Who's Kate Hudson? 56 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,120 Goldie's daughter. 57 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:50,660 Little Katie Hudson? 58 00:02:50,980 --> 00:02:53,940 So people whose diapers I've changed are hotter than me? 59 00:02:54,180 --> 00:02:55,340 Give me that. Give me that. 60 00:02:56,330 --> 00:02:59,930 Oh, well, Connie, you know how fickle the public is. I don't want to just fade 61 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:01,490 into obscurity like, what's her name? 62 00:03:02,510 --> 00:03:05,730 A woman's only got so many years in this business, and I've been on this train a 63 00:03:05,730 --> 00:03:08,430 good long run, and I'm worried the world's looking at my caboose. 64 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,470 Well, nobody wants that. 65 00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:15,110 I sure hope not, because I got news for you. I ain't going gently. I got news 66 00:03:15,110 --> 00:03:16,270 for you. That ain't news. 67 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:22,120 Honey, get the door. All right. Oh, no, wait. Are you sure this girl's any good? 68 00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:25,340 She is the hottest PR person in the business. How hot? She's number 12 on 69 00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:27,820 list. Number 12? Yeah. Hell, I'll get the door myself. 70 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,320 Hi, I'm Beth. 71 00:03:34,140 --> 00:03:35,140 Nadine Starnoff. 72 00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:38,260 I just say what a pleasure it is to finally meet you. Of course you may. 73 00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:39,380 come in. 74 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,800 Hi, Connie Randolph, best manager. A treat. 75 00:03:42,020 --> 00:03:46,460 Oh, my God, this place is exquisite. You don't mind if I smoke in it, do you? 76 00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:49,200 Actually, I'd rather you didn't. You're right, it's a filthy habit. 77 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:52,920 Where'd she go? I don't know. 78 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:56,680 Hey, here's what I'm thinking. 79 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:02,150 Of all the actors slash singers slash legends in your age group, You are by 80 00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:04,630 the most wonderful flesh dynamic flesh exciting in the business today. 81 00:04:05,650 --> 00:04:07,750 Nadine, are you kissing my ass here? 82 00:04:07,970 --> 00:04:09,850 Not at all. No, no, she likes that. 83 00:04:10,630 --> 00:04:13,610 Since we're going to be working together, let's really get to know each 84 00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:17,310 Tell me about your life. Who's the you behind the you? 85 00:04:17,670 --> 00:04:19,769 Well, I'm a wife and mother. 86 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,529 I've been married 15 years. 87 00:04:22,670 --> 00:04:24,750 We have a beautiful daughter named Rose. 88 00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:26,810 So all in all, you're saying things are pretty good. 89 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,540 She's too happy. Her life, it's too stable. I gotta say, you're not giving 90 00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:37,540 lot to work with here. 91 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,900 You wait here. If she comes back, grab her. 92 00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:46,300 If you want to reignite your career, I see two clear options. 93 00:04:48,140 --> 00:04:49,560 Okay, fire away. 94 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:53,740 Option A, we get you a couple of unglamorous roles in some very small, 95 00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:56,300 artsy, independent films, and then you lay low. 96 00:04:57,060 --> 00:04:58,060 How low? 97 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,320 Disappear completely, leave the country. 98 00:05:01,390 --> 00:05:02,149 Create a demand. 99 00:05:02,150 --> 00:05:05,570 People will clamor. Where's Bette? In three to five years, I guarantee you'll 100 00:05:05,570 --> 00:05:06,570 back on the A -list. 101 00:05:07,170 --> 00:05:08,330 Three to five years? 102 00:05:08,710 --> 00:05:10,510 Why, by that time, I'll be still 40. 103 00:05:12,410 --> 00:05:13,410 Never mind. 104 00:05:13,870 --> 00:05:14,870 What's option B? 105 00:05:15,350 --> 00:05:16,850 Scandal. Scandal? 106 00:05:17,170 --> 00:05:18,170 Look at this list. 107 00:05:18,550 --> 00:05:21,410 Charlie Sheen, caught with hookers to his own TV series. 108 00:05:21,630 --> 00:05:24,630 Martin Lawrence, danced in traffic with a gun to biggest movie of the summer. 109 00:05:24,810 --> 00:05:27,810 Anne Heche, occasional lesbian wandering in the desert to three -picture deal. 110 00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:31,220 What lesson have we learned from this? 111 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,400 Ellen's better off. 112 00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:36,780 People love a comeback. 113 00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:39,320 And there's nothing better to come back from than a scandal. 114 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,400 Well, couldn't I just get a disease or something? You could, but I gotta tell 115 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,280 you, all the good ribbon colors are taken. 116 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,640 Where did you get a gal, pal? 117 00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:50,420 Don't look at me. 118 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,760 Oh, oh, oh, I have it. I have it. How about I have a love child? 119 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,340 That'd be a scandal, right? No, that'd be a miracle. 120 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,220 we could do something with your mental stability. 121 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:03,960 Well, I think you're onto something there. 122 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:06,240 You mean like a nervous breakdown? 123 00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:09,460 Good, good. I can run with that. No, no, really. Don't you think it's a 124 00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:13,220 little... No, yeah, I think... Oh, listen, girls, I understand. Let's just 125 00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:13,939 it safe. 126 00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:17,520 I'll book you on Leno, run your potato salad recipe in McCall's, and get you a 127 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,340 nice weekly spot on QVC. 128 00:06:20,860 --> 00:06:22,440 Well, that doesn't sound so hot. 129 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,500 Bet you can't be a player unless you get into the game. 130 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,100 What do you think? Up to you. 131 00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:29,780 You have a twin? 132 00:06:29,950 --> 00:06:30,950 little nervous breakdown. 133 00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:34,730 And then it's one night in the celebrity suite at a private hospital. We hold an 134 00:06:34,730 --> 00:06:38,330 elegant press conference the next day and announce that you are just suffering 135 00:06:38,330 --> 00:06:39,330 from dehydration. 136 00:06:40,210 --> 00:06:41,730 Oh, it's well that ends well. 137 00:06:41,990 --> 00:06:42,609 That's it? 138 00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:48,190 That and every magazine in the country telling the story of your heroic 139 00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:49,310 struggle. 140 00:06:53,350 --> 00:06:54,410 Let's get crazy. 141 00:06:55,950 --> 00:06:57,770 I'll start making the arrangements right away. 142 00:06:57,990 --> 00:06:59,270 I'm really jazzed about it. 143 00:07:00,330 --> 00:07:01,330 I need a cigarette. 144 00:07:04,950 --> 00:07:06,210 Is she coming back? 145 00:07:06,410 --> 00:07:07,410 I don't know. 146 00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:13,770 It's a one -night stay in a private hospital. 147 00:07:13,970 --> 00:07:15,590 I'll be back the day after tomorrow. 148 00:07:15,990 --> 00:07:16,990 You're insane. 149 00:07:17,210 --> 00:07:18,270 No, see? 150 00:07:18,970 --> 00:07:24,550 Everybody thinks I'm insane, but the twist is I'm actually dehydrated. I'm 151 00:07:24,550 --> 00:07:26,490 telling you, Nadine is a genius. 152 00:07:26,870 --> 00:07:28,990 No, Einstein is a genius. 153 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,800 Nadine is a scary emphysemic flack. 154 00:07:34,140 --> 00:07:37,020 Well, I tell you, I think it's a fabulous idea. 155 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,140 Just think of it as me going on location. 156 00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:42,780 Rose is on that outward -bound school trip. You can have the whole house to 157 00:07:42,780 --> 00:07:43,960 yourself. To do what? 158 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,660 Oh, you know, whatever it is you do. Walk around in your boxers and eat 159 00:07:47,660 --> 00:07:48,660 licorice. 160 00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:50,980 That's what you do. 161 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,720 You do realize that you and your people live in a completely alternate universe. 162 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,240 What people? 163 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:02,520 Jews? 164 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:05,740 No, Hollywood. 165 00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:09,060 I can't believe that you're buying into this garbage. 166 00:08:09,460 --> 00:08:11,340 You're becoming a cog in their machine. 167 00:08:11,580 --> 00:08:15,640 This whole list idea is just a way to hawk a couple of million magazines, and 168 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,460 you bow down like it's the golden calf. 169 00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:21,200 Honey, you're so sexy when you get biblical. 170 00:08:22,780 --> 00:08:26,780 Honey... Nobody remembers the people on the list five minutes after they come 171 00:08:26,780 --> 00:08:30,900 out. Well, at least they get to be forgotten. I mean, I'm not even on the 172 00:08:31,140 --> 00:08:33,220 That means they've already forgotten to forget me. 173 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:36,679 Why do you need so much love? 174 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:37,900 Don't I give you enough? 175 00:08:38,159 --> 00:08:39,960 Oh, honey, of course not. 176 00:08:41,419 --> 00:08:44,660 I mean, you give me plenty, but there's just something about a total stranger 177 00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:47,920 walking up to me and saying, I love you, that keeps a girl going. 178 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:51,360 You wouldn't want to have to fill that void all by yourself for the next 30 179 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:52,360 years. 180 00:08:52,850 --> 00:08:53,850 30 years. 181 00:08:54,870 --> 00:08:57,790 You know, if you really think about it, this was all really your idea. 182 00:08:58,350 --> 00:09:02,050 Okay, I can't wait to hear this one. Well, remember that astronomy book you 183 00:09:02,050 --> 00:09:06,190 me? The one that said that a star is really nothing but a big, swirling ball 184 00:09:06,190 --> 00:09:10,150 gas? Mm -hmm. Well, if that's all I am, then all I have to look forward to is 185 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:14,090 either flaming out or imploding into a black hole where all I get offered is an 186 00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:15,350 occasional Lifetime movie. 187 00:09:16,830 --> 00:09:17,830 You know what? 188 00:09:18,370 --> 00:09:19,370 I was wrong. 189 00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:21,640 I'll drive you to the hospital myself. 190 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:27,560 Oh, boy, this is going to be so great. In 36 hours, I'll be rehydrated, back on 191 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:28,720 top, and no one the wiser. 192 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,520 You know, frankly, I don't see what's wrong with this whole gal pal idea. 193 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:33,960 Maybe for your birthday. 194 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,400 Okay, Nadine, we're on our way. I'll call you the minute she checks in. 195 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,420 All righty. The hospital has been alerted. The anonymous tips to the 196 00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:50,620 have been phoned in. We are all systems go. 197 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,260 You didn't tell Oscar anything, did you? No. Good. 198 00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,760 Because he can't keep a secret to save his life. 199 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,200 Remember that time he blabbed about your hemorrhoids? 200 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,100 My hemorrhoids? Shh. 201 00:10:00,380 --> 00:10:01,380 Don't distract me. 202 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:02,920 What are you doing? 203 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,380 I'm practicing my breakdown phase. 204 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:07,320 I buy it. 205 00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:11,700 Oh, can I have a piece? 206 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,200 No, my last one, honey. Sorry. 207 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,520 Oh, darling, I'm sorry. Yeah, 208 00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:21,860 that'll work. 209 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,000 How's my makeup? 210 00:10:23,340 --> 00:10:25,440 You don't look distraught enough to me. Really? 211 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,200 Okay. 212 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:32,540 What do you think? 213 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:38,180 Well, better. But, you know, it still needs something. 214 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,560 Just prop me up like I can't quite make it on my own. Ooh, ooh, nice idea. Very 215 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,960 nice idea. Here we go. Here we go. Hey, hey, where's your bra? 216 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,960 If you're emotionally unstable, don't wear bras. 217 00:11:09,260 --> 00:11:12,140 If I were sane, do you think I'd let these cheaches be swinging a cappella? 218 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:13,320 Okay. 219 00:11:13,580 --> 00:11:14,920 Here we go. Here we go. 220 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:16,320 All right, give her room, please. 221 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:17,539 Give her room. No pictures. 222 00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:18,540 No pictures. 223 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,540 No, no. Did you love the car? No, did you? 224 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:21,900 All right. 225 00:11:42,010 --> 00:11:43,010 Oh, 226 00:11:52,550 --> 00:11:53,650 no, Roy, honey, I'm fine. 227 00:11:54,030 --> 00:11:55,390 I had a wonderful night. 228 00:11:55,650 --> 00:11:56,810 I'll be home in a few hours. 229 00:11:57,190 --> 00:11:58,190 Did anybody call? 230 00:11:58,810 --> 00:12:00,190 Did you tell them I was mentally unstable? 231 00:12:01,550 --> 00:12:04,030 Oh, you're an angel. I love you. 232 00:12:04,410 --> 00:12:05,990 Bye -bye. Good morning. 233 00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:08,610 Oh, Connie, the food in this hospital is fabulous. 234 00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:12,190 We have to eat here more often. Well, I'll grab a menu on my way out. 235 00:12:12,590 --> 00:12:13,910 So, what's the schedule? 236 00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:17,650 You check out of here at 10, press conference is back at your house at 11. 237 00:12:17,650 --> 00:12:21,090 you see Entertainment Tonight? When Mary Hart broke my story, she actually had 238 00:12:21,090 --> 00:12:22,390 tears in her eyes. 239 00:12:22,990 --> 00:12:24,110 I always liked her. 240 00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:28,730 You would not believe the number of phone calls I got last night. Every 241 00:12:28,730 --> 00:12:30,790 in town wants to dress you for your nervous breakdown. 242 00:12:31,010 --> 00:12:32,210 Oh, show me the swag. 243 00:12:32,670 --> 00:12:35,030 We have Moschino. 244 00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:38,890 nervous breakdown from that, do you? Well, I guess not. All right. 245 00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:40,730 So, Gaultier. 246 00:12:41,070 --> 00:12:43,110 That's more of a ladies' room crying jag. Yeah. 247 00:12:43,990 --> 00:12:45,950 And Armani. 248 00:12:46,290 --> 00:12:47,990 Oh, good. I like that. 249 00:12:48,290 --> 00:12:51,610 Oh, I hope this is one of a kind. A month from now, I don't want to see Faye 250 00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:53,390 Dunaway holding up a 7 -Eleven in that. 251 00:12:54,730 --> 00:12:56,890 And to accessorize my pretty. 252 00:12:57,830 --> 00:13:02,670 Oh, you poor thing I've just heard. How are you? 253 00:13:02,930 --> 00:13:04,210 Oh, Oscar, I'm fine. 254 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,800 Oh, she's so brave. 255 00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:09,460 Darling, listen, listen. There's nothing to be ashamed of, all right? We've all 256 00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:10,620 been expecting this for years. 257 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,760 And quite frankly, I'm surprised you managed to hold up this long. 258 00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:18,000 Oh, no, Oscar, really, I'm swell. I just concocted this little psychotic episode 259 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,260 so I could reclaim my rightful position in the Hollywood pantheon. 260 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:23,800 I'm probably eight now. 261 00:13:25,740 --> 00:13:27,140 Surely she should be in restraint. 262 00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:30,460 Just put the flowers in a vase. That's right. 263 00:13:31,980 --> 00:13:32,980 Hi. 264 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,180 I'm sorry to interrupt. 265 00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:37,320 I just heard that you were here. My name's Rick. I'm a really big fan. 266 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,000 Thank you. 267 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:40,620 We have our first sale. 268 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:45,720 Anyway, I just wanted to say, if they need to do any electroshock therapy, I'd 269 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,540 be honored if I could put the bit in your mouth. 270 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,560 Well, let's hope he doesn't come to that, but good to have you on the team. 271 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:56,040 He seems nice. 272 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,080 You two have really got to get organized. 273 00:14:02,410 --> 00:14:04,530 Oh, my. Is it a little warm in here? No, wait. 274 00:14:04,850 --> 00:14:06,550 That's the heat coming off my favorite star. 275 00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:10,870 Nadine, you can't smoke in here. It's a hospital. 276 00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:12,830 You're right. It's a filthy habit. 277 00:14:20,390 --> 00:14:24,370 I don't think we've met. I'm Oscar, Bette's musical director. 278 00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:27,510 Nadine, Bette's publicist. Be a doll and get rid of that for me, would you, 279 00:14:27,530 --> 00:14:28,429 honey? 280 00:14:28,430 --> 00:14:29,430 What? 281 00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:37,240 World's starting to converge on your house. I got AP. I got the trades. 282 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:38,800 I got us a weekly. 283 00:14:39,140 --> 00:14:41,140 There'll be frenzy waiting for your triumphant return. 284 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,220 Great, great. Just let me get dressed. Connie will drive me home, and we'll be 285 00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:45,720 all set. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 286 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,200 You are driving yourself. 287 00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:48,339 Ask me why. 288 00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:52,000 Why? Because you are making a comeback. We need to show the world that you're 289 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,960 completely in control of your own life again. 290 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,020 Oh, that's good, that's good. I didn't see that coming. How much is this clam 291 00:14:57,020 --> 00:14:58,120 bake costing me anyway? 292 00:14:58,380 --> 00:14:59,199 Not a penny. 293 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,200 How'd that happen? 294 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:03,770 Corporate tie -in. I've laid out the dehydration angle. I got Arrowhead to 295 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:04,770 underwrite your comeback. 296 00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:08,130 Just show up to the press conference with a full bottle of this, and they'll 297 00:15:08,130 --> 00:15:09,130 pick up the whole tab. 298 00:15:09,410 --> 00:15:12,810 Why? If I'd known I was being comped, I would have had my eyes done. 299 00:15:14,510 --> 00:15:16,130 Sweetie, she's making this up? 300 00:15:16,430 --> 00:15:18,370 Yes. But she's not really ill. 301 00:15:18,590 --> 00:15:19,590 No. Right. 302 00:15:19,930 --> 00:15:20,930 Okay. 303 00:15:22,370 --> 00:15:23,370 Oh, Rick. 304 00:15:23,850 --> 00:15:25,810 You can certainly put the bit in my mouth. 305 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,820 Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that Bette is leaving the 306 00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:41,040 as we speak, under her own steam, I might add. As it turns out, it was a 307 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,660 case of dehydration. Yes, and speaking of which, Bette has asked that we 308 00:15:45,660 --> 00:15:49,620 distribute bottles of Arrowhead to you all so that you will not suffer the same 309 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:50,620 fate. 310 00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:53,640 Arrowhead. It's not just for crazy people. 311 00:15:58,180 --> 00:16:02,360 Well, tell me. What? That I was right out on my end, the way you described it, 312 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:07,480 he said. You'd be better off dead than alive. I didn't listen to his job. 313 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:12,720 I knew all along he was all wrong. And I knew that he thought I was crazy. 314 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,660 There goes my free ride. 315 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,400 Hello? 316 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:33,670 Connie, it's me. I had a little accident. accident. I have to stop and 317 00:16:33,670 --> 00:16:36,110 myself off and pick up a brand new bottle of water. I'll be right there. 318 00:16:36,470 --> 00:16:37,470 Are you all right? 319 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:40,270 Hang on. I'm picking up another conversation. 320 00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:42,090 What? I hear voices. 321 00:16:42,490 --> 00:16:44,530 I'm hearing voices. Don't you hear that? 322 00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:46,830 Isn't it awful? Don't you hear those voices? 323 00:16:47,070 --> 00:16:48,270 Oh, the poor thing. 324 00:16:49,110 --> 00:16:50,630 I guess Mary Hart was right. 325 00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:53,870 Oh, no, now they're gone. Oh, no, they're back. 326 00:16:54,170 --> 00:16:55,670 Those voices, don't you hear them? 327 00:17:14,759 --> 00:17:15,759 45 minutes. 328 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,099 I don't know, but I'm off the clock. 329 00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:21,079 Where do you think you're going? I'm sorry. I got Whitney Houston smacking 330 00:17:21,079 --> 00:17:22,119 mayor in half an hour. 331 00:17:22,339 --> 00:17:23,339 Good luck. 332 00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:24,919 Hey, 333 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:32,720 you. 334 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,440 Yeah, it's me. 335 00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:36,980 What do you think you're doing? 336 00:17:37,580 --> 00:17:39,620 Sorry, lady. We're just expressing ourselves. 337 00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:40,980 You want to express yourself? 338 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,740 Get out of here, you lousy JDs. 339 00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:55,860 $3 .50. 340 00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:58,940 $3 .50? I hope that's the time. 341 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,700 You got the sports bottle. 342 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,020 Well, how much if I promise not to play sports? 343 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,400 $3 .50. 344 00:18:15,210 --> 00:18:16,210 I don't like your attitude. 345 00:18:16,550 --> 00:18:19,790 Listen, bub, the world is waiting at my house and I have to hold my water. 346 00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:23,270 She's even worse than they said. 347 00:18:25,970 --> 00:18:27,070 May I help you? 348 00:18:28,790 --> 00:18:30,250 Easy, I don't want any trouble. 349 00:18:30,770 --> 00:18:32,190 Hey, they're towing somebody's car. 350 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:01,840 Would any of you like to ask any questions about me? 351 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,760 Okay. How about impressions? 352 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,340 I do a pretty mean Mary Tyler Moore. 353 00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:15,040 Oh, look, it's Beth's husband. Maybe he'd like to field a question or two. 354 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,800 Sir, would you categorize your wife's recent behavior as unusual in any way? 355 00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:21,620 No, I'd say it's pretty much par for the course around here. 356 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,420 Have you talked to any therapists about this? 357 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,240 Twice a week for the last 15 years. Excuse me. 358 00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:32,760 That's exactly the kind of humor that has kept this marriage together for 15 359 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:38,880 years. But seriously, folks, let me assure you, Bette is the picture of 360 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:39,880 health. 361 00:20:32,780 --> 00:20:35,400 driving home when I hit a speed bump and wet myself. 362 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,340 So I put on my pen wire and ran in to plug myself in. 363 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,640 Then, between gutter snipes defiling my image and this Napoleon at the mini 364 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,760 -mart trying to gouge me for something I could have lifted off my blouse for 365 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,620 free, well, I didn't know which end was up. 366 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,860 Then when my car drove off without me and I had to walk the streets, the cops 367 00:20:54,860 --> 00:20:56,620 tried to arrest me for pinching a bottle. 368 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:57,880 But as you can see, 369 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:02,960 Good to see you. 370 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:06,920 Okay, any questions? 371 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,340 Nadine, you're sure? It's confirmed. 372 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,220 Well, that's great. 373 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,540 You are the best. 374 00:21:19,020 --> 00:21:21,140 Right. Well, honey, you did it. 375 00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:23,100 I'm on the list? 376 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,620 Yes, you are. What number is she? Number one. 377 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,040 What list was it?